


learning how to mend your heart (it's a lifelong mission)

by blackrose1002, BlackVultures



Category: MacGyver (TV 2016)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Blood, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, First Kiss, First Time, Getting Together, Gun Violence, Heart-to-Heart, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Nightmares, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Pining, Psychological Trauma, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-09
Updated: 2020-04-14
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:07:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23562067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackrose1002/pseuds/blackrose1002, https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackVultures/pseuds/BlackVultures
Summary: “And let me guess, one of us is going in as another victim and tries to get her to open up and reveal something? Sounds good,” Jack said when Matty nodded, because it was a good plan. As morbid as it was to go undercover as an abuse victim, there was a chance it could work.“What do you say, Mac?” Matty asked, turning to look at him. “You up for some sharing and bonding?”Mac didn’t reply right away and Jack glanced at him with a frown that only deepened when he saw an unreadable look on Mac’s face. It was gone almost right away and Mac visibly forced himself to relax – well, visibly for Jack – and nodded.(Or the one when Mac goes undercover and the mission hits a bit too close to home)
Relationships: Jack Dalton/Angus MacGyver (MacGyver TV 2016)
Comments: 40
Kudos: 191





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there!
> 
> Yes, it's us again! What can I say, both Sammy and I are home right now, and there's no better way of spending the self-quarantine than working on fics! And ignoring a bunch of important stuff in my case.
> 
> Check out the tags before reading this fic - if they bother you, skip this one.
> 
> Title is from the song "Beautiful" by Sunrise Avenue.
> 
> Enjoy!

“What could be so urgent that we have to be here on a _Sunday_?” Jack grumbled as he and Mac walked in the direction of the war room.

Matty had called about an hour ago, saying there was some kind of emergency, and told them to get to the Phoenix _right now, Dalton, stop whining_. So now, after picking Mac up, here they were.

“Whatever it is, I’m sure it’s important,” Mac replied, seemingly not fazed by being called to work on their day off, but Jack knew he stayed up very late last night, working on… something, so he would have to remember to get him some coffee soon, or otherwise Mac would crash.

“There you are,” Matty said as soon as they stepped into the war room. Everyone else was already there and Matty used her tablet to show a photo on the big screen. “Anyone recognize this man?”

“That lovely fella is Feliciano Sanchez, the head of Los Lobos cartel,” Jack instantly said, feeling a little smug when everyone (except Mac) looked at him in surprise – he had been doing this job for a while, he knew the faces of bad guys better than anyone.

“More like Deliciano, but sure,” Riley drawled, and Jack made a face at her, although she did have a point – Sanchez _was_ ridiculously handsome, even if he was bad news.

“He _is_ pretty hot,” Mac commented, and that made Jack glance at him in surprise. He didn’t usually say anything about the looks of their perps, but Deliciano was an exception to a lot rules. “Why are we going after him now? And what’s the plan?”

“We believe that Feliciano is getting ready to move a huge shipment of illegal weaponry from the Port of Los Angeles for distribution across the country. And the play is for one of you to befriend his wife, Rosa,” Matty said, and brought up Rosa Sanchez’s picture beside her husband… except her normally beautiful face was marred by a black eye and bruises on her jaw and forehead. “Rosa wound up in a hospital here in Los Angeles after a friend found her unconscious on her bathroom floor. She stayed long enough to get treated and then took off, but a worker managed to snap this picture. From that we were able to figure out that she’s been attending a support group for victims of domestic and sexual violence in East LA. Their next meeting is tonight.”

“And let me guess, one of us is going in as another victim and tries to get her to open up and reveal something? Sounds good,” Jack said when Matty nodded, because it was a good plan. As morbid as it was to go undercover as an abuse victim, there was a chance it could work.

“What do you say, Mac?” Matty asked, turning to look at him. “You up for some sharing and bonding?”

Mac didn’t reply right away and Jack glanced at him with a frown that only deepened when he saw an unreadable look on Mac’s face. It was gone almost right away and Mac visibly forced himself to relax – well, visibly for Jack – and nodded. “Sure, Matty. I assume you have a cover story ready for me?”

Matty nodded. “Already emailed you your backstory and script, but the short version is that you’re Eli Barrett and you got out of an abusive relationship with you ex-wife. You’re obviously nervous to share, but that will hopefully endear you to Rosa – and it helps that you’re cute.” She turned back toward the big screen. “In the meantime we’re going to set up surveillance near the Sanchez house, the port, and the church where they hold the meetings. Riley and Desi will take the port, Bozer and Leanna get the house, and Jack and Mac, you two can take the church until Mac needs to go in later. Everybody good?”

“Sure thing, boss lady,” Jack replied, but he was watching Mac out of the corner of his eye. Something was going on there and from the set of Mac’s shoulders and the tension around his mouth ( _don’t think about his mouth, Dalton_ ), it was nothing good.

“Then what are you waiting for?” Matty gave them a pointed look, so they all walked out of the war room and headed for the elevators.

“Hey, Mac, wait a sec,” Jack called out quietly, and reached to grab Mac’s arm… immediately letting go when Mac flinched away. Desi, Riley, Leanna, and Bozer disappeared in the elevator, not waiting for them since they were all heading in different directions anyway, and Jack focused on Mac. “You okay, man?” he asked, watching Mac in concern.

“Sorry, yeah, I’m good,” Mac told him, blinking a few times like he did when he was caught up in his own head and trying to get out. “Just distracted.”

The elevator returned and they stepped inside, Jack punching the button for the parking garage. “Oh yeah? Is it a good distraction?” he asked, leaning against the back wall of the elevator. To his relief, Mac did the same thing, leaning on the rail right next to him. “Or the kind you need saving from?”

That last part was meant to be playful, because Jack didn’t mind helping Mac get out of his own way, but the look that crossed Mac’s face was oddly serious. “Actually, yeah,” he replied quietly, fiddling with his fingers. When he met Jack’s gaze briefly there was something hunted in his blue eyes that put Jack on edge. “Could you just… talk about something for a while?”

Jack was instantly alarmed by that, because Mac so openly admitting something was wrong was not normal. “Yeah, sure, absolutely,” he said, recovering quickly and giving Mac a wide grin. “You know talkin’ is what I do best, hoss.”

Figuring he needed to talk about something he didn’t need to really think about – so that he could focus on Mac instead – he began rating the Metallica albums, and Mac didn’t protest even though Jack had done it a million times already. He actually seemed to relax a little, so Jack kept talking as they got into his car and he started driving them in the direction of the church.

They parked about a half a block away under some trees along the sidewalk, and Mac hopped out briefly to fill the meter. Then they settled in to wait, and Jack stopped babbling momentarily to get the lay of the land. “That’s the church?” he asked, nodding toward a white-clapboard building with a rainbow flag out front. “Must not be Catholic.”

“Unitarian, I think,” Mac said absently, fingers twisting in his lap the way they did when he wanted a paperclip and didn’t have any. It was different from the fidgeting in the elevator – not necessarily better, but at least Jack knew what to do about it.

He reached under the leather cuff on his wrist and after a moment he got out a paperclip from under it. He handed it to Mac and was rewarded with a surprised but grateful look on his face, and Mac’s fingers immediately started bending and twisting the paperclip. “Thanks, Jack,” he said quietly, and Jack hated how… off he sounded.

“Hey, man, you sure you okay?” he asked. “I can go in instead if you’d like?”

Mac smiled at him, but it was a small thing that didn’t reach his eyes. “I can do it, I’ll be fine,” he assured, looking at the church briefly before he started glancing around in quadrants, just like they taught you in the army. “Besides, I’m not sure it would be… believable, if you did it. Anyone can be a victim of abuse-“ there was something strange in his tone when he said those words, like he was reading from a pamphlet, “- but you look too tough. And you might scare Rosa, which is the last thing we want.”

“You… you have a point,” Jack reluctantly agreed. It was obvious that something was wrong, that something about this undercover op was bothering Mac, but Jack couldn’t figure out what it was and it was killing him. Was Mac… scared? But if so, then why? It wasn’t like Rosa Sanchez was any threat, the mission was mostly intel gathering, nothing potentially dangerous. “Hey, you know I’m gonna be here all the time, right?” he tried anyway. “If anything goes wrong, I’m gonna get you out right away.”

“I know,” Mac said, and this time when he looked at Jack his gaze lingered, and he smiled a little wider. The expression dimmed a moment later, morphing into something sincere yet serious. “I trust you, Jack. I know since you got back things have been… weird between us, but I know you’ve got my back no matter what.”

“Of course, Mac,” Jack said quietly, swallowing hard. He knew things had been off between them and it was his own damn fault. They had managed to rebuild their relationship after it had taken a hit when Mac had left for Nigeria, but Jack had destroyed all the progress by leaving to hunt Kovacs, and that was on him.

But right now he swore that he was going to do anything in his power to fix everything between them, because he needed Mac in his life, more than he needed the air to breathe. He had loved him for so long now that he didn’t know how to feel any other way, and even if Mac never felt the same way – and he wouldn’t, he was straight and completely not into Jack – Jack would be happy to just have him in his life.

They didn’t say anything for a while and eventually people started appearing on the street, heading for the church as the time of the meeting drew closer. “I think that’s your cue,” Jack said, gesturing at the church and checking if his comm worked okay.

Their comes were only working locally so the teams didn’t get jumbled up – so Jack would only hear Mac and vice versa – and Matty could choose to get in touch via her command channel if she needed to. Mac checked his comm too and shifted like he was going to leave the car, but then paused and turned back to Jack. “Give me your jacket?”

Jack eyed him suspiciously for a moment before shrugging it off and handing it to him. “You’re not gonna use it to start a fire or something, right?”

“No promises,” Mac joked, flashing him one of those brief but brilliant grins before he got out of the car. He put the jacket on, and Jack immediately noticed how it was too big around the shoulders and arms… but damn if he didn’t look good in it. He shoved his hands in the pockets and shuffled off toward the church, and while everything _should_ be fine… Jack was worried, and he didn’t know why.

Eventually Mac disappeared inside the church and Jack could only listen in to what was going on around him. He heard some shuffling and assumed Mac took a seat somewhere, probably in a circle or in a row of chairs, Jack knew how those meetings usually looked. It took a few more minutes for the meeting to start and then people started sharing their heartbreaking stories that made Jack’s chest tighten a little. He decided they were probably sitting in a circle as they took turns talking – some people did, some didn’t – and eventually Jack could tell it would be Mac’s turn soon, because the person currently speaking was sitting right next to Mac.

The person who was speaking was Rosa Sanchez, Jack realized belatedly, which meant she was sitting right next to Mac. She was talking about how she had gotten beaten up by her husband and her friend made her go to the hospital even though she didn’t want to, and how mad her husband was when he had found out. Nobody said anything judgmental or chastising, they just let her get it out, and then it was Mac’s turn.

He introduced himself as Eli and everyone said hello, and then Jack heard him draw in a breath to speak… but what he said didn’t match the backstory had given him at all. “I’m here because of an ex-boyfriend,” he started, which… what? Since when did Mac date guys? This had to be something he was making up… right?

His voice was steady but quiet as he continued, “We met right after I got discharged from the army. His name was Vince, and he worked at the same restaurant as my best friend. He was a little older than me, handsome… we started talking one day, went on a couple of dates, and everything was fine… until the morning I broke his coffee pot.” A ragged chuckle. “It was an accident, you know? I wasn’t familiar with the machine or Vince’s kitchen, and I knocked the coffee pot on the floor. It shattered, obviously, and Vince came out of the bedroom to see what happened. And the look on his face…” Mac trailed off, swallowing audibly. “The guy I thought I knew was gone, and someone else was in his place. Before I knew what was happening, he… he hit me, hard enough that I fell down.”

Jack froze and didn’t even breathe for a moment, because… none of this was in the script… and instead too many details fit Mac’s life. Being in the army, a best friend working in a restaurant, and Mac’s voice sounded so haunted, but… but it couldn’t be, right? But then why did Mac sound like he was about to fall apart for real?

“At first… I didn’t even react, I was so shocked,” Mac continued quietly, and Jack realized that his own hands were trembling. “Then it… got worse. He apologized after the first time, said he didn’t sleep well and thought I was an intruder,” he said, and the sound he made was rueful and pained. “He told me it would never happen again, and I believed him. That was a mistake.” A pause. “He… I started staying at his place more and more, stopped hanging out with my friend from the restaurant even though we shared a house. Vince had the ability to be incredibly kind and sweet one minute, and cruel and violent the next. After the first time he never hit me where anyone would see, and I… I stayed with him anyway.”

Mac’s voice had gone thin and finally broke, a choked-off sob echoing over the comm. “I don’t know if I felt like I deserved it, or because I was so lonely without… without the person I actually wanted to be with, but I stuck around. And that was an even worse mistake, because I didn’t get out before… before he raped me.”

Jack covered his mouth with his hand to muffle any sound that Mac could hear through the comms and he stared ahead, his vision blurring with tears. He was sure now that Mac was talking about himself, that he wasn’t acting, he just knew it. His heart was shattered in a million pieces, because… all of that must have happened during those few months when Jack had been living in Texas after they had gotten discharged, before coming to live in Los Angeles and work with Mac at DXS.

God, he never should have let Mac go back to LA alone.

Mac’s sniffling brought Jack back and he barely stopped himself from rushing into the church and wrapping Mac in his arms. “He… one day we were hanging out and it was… it was fine. He hadn’t hit me yet that day, but then… then I told him I had to go,” Mac whispered. “I had plans to Skype with a friend that was planning to move to LA.”

Jack’s other hand clenched on the steering wheel so hard his knuckles turned white, because… _he_ must have been the friend, right? He scoured his memory, and yeah, there was a Skype call that Mac had missed… but he had called him the next morning and everything was fine… or at least Jack had thought it was. “Vince wasn’t happy, obviously, and he started asking me all kinds of questions about my friend, getting more jealous and angry by the second,” Jack heard Mac continue. “He was convinced I was cheating on him – I wasn’t – and he… he grabbed my hair, and bashed my head into the coffee table. It was one of those metal ones with a funky lip on the side, and I was so stunned I could barely see straight. And then… then he was on top of me, ripping off my clothes… I kept saying no, but it didn’t matter.”

“I… I tried fighting him, you know?” Mac whispered in a tiny voice, sniffling again. “I was in a good shape after being in the army, I could hold my own in a fight, but… he managed to pin me down. And when I kept struggling, he hit me again, and again.” Mac’s voice broke and his breath hitched, and Jack wanted to scream, wanted to do something, anything, but he couldn’t move. “One of the hits stunned me again and when I came back to it he was on top of me again… with his jeans off.”

“It hurt,” Mac admitted in a whisper, a sob leaving him unbidden. “It hurt like nothing else had before, and he just… kept going until he was done. And then I got up, pulled on my clothes, told him I never wanted to see him again, and I left.” A self-conscious noise, and Jack could picture Mac running his shaking hands through his hair. “I tried my best to forget about him and what he did, but sometimes it just comes back to me, like now.”

Before Jack could say anything over the comms – an apology, something comforting – he spotted two big black SUVs coming down the road with their headlights off and knew immediately they were trouble.

“Mac, we have company,” he warned, his voice rough from trying not to scream or cry while Mac had been talking. “Shit,” he added when he saw Sanchez get out of the lead car with a handgun. “They must’ve moved on his guns early, he probably thinks his wife told somebody.”

Mac didn’t reply, didn’t even acknowledge what Jack said… in fact, Jack couldn’t hear a damn thing through the comms, no voices, no shuffling, nothing, and that was when he realized that his comm had stopped working. A signal jammer, he realized and swore under his breath as he got out of the car. There was a chance Mac hadn’t even heard his warning and he had no idea Sanchez was coming in with his goons.

The bad guys had split up which was a good thing – it allowed Jack to sneak up on the first group of three goons and before they even realized what was going on they were all dead on the ground. Jack kicked their guns away before jogging around the church, only to find there was no basement access from the outside and he knew Mac was downstairs, he had heard him walk down steps through the comms.

Swearing again, he eased the back door open and took down two more goons once he was inside. He could hear Sanchez yelling from the basement and Rosa’s quieter protests – and then there was a flurry of noise like a struggle, and a gun went off. Jack ran down a hallway and found the stairs, took them two at a time to discover that Sanchez was dead on the ground from a bullet through the chest.

Mac was sitting on the floor nearby, what must have been Sanchez’s gun next to his leg. He looked shocked, and there was a spray of blood over one side of his body. They must have struggled for the gun, and the trigger had gotten pulled somehow.

Before Jack could rush to Mac’s side he heard some shuffling behind him, and he turned just in time to see the last goon trying to sneak up on him. He knocked the gun out of his hands and they fought for a moment before Jack knocked him out, deciding not to kill him with his bare hands with a bunch of civilians and Mac watching.

He immediately ran to Mac who was still sitting on the ground, pale and looking so small in Jack’s jacket, his eyes bloodshot from crying. “What are you waiting for, shoot him!” one of the guys in the circle yelled in panic, but since the gun was next to Mac, Jack ignored him.

He dropped down to his knees and framed Mac’s face with his hands. “Mac, buddy, are you hurt? Talk to me.”

Mac shook his head, but he was trembling a little. “I… I forgot you were on comms,” he whispered, and there was this devastation in his voice that shook Jack to his core – like Jack finding out about what had happened to him was the worst thing Mac could have imagined. His eyes were huge and luminous, and Jack just pulled him into a hug, one hand sliding around to cradle his head. He didn’t say anything because he couldn’t find the words and he buried his face in Mac’s hair. He hears footsteps above them and pulled back momentarily, ready to shoot someone else, but it was just the tac team that came downstairs, which reinforced Jack’s thinking that they had to take our Sanchez’s operation early.

The guys from the tac team immediately started getting the civilians out along with Rosa who was still staring at her husband’s body with wide eyes. Jack knew that Matty would want some kind of update from them, even though she probably already knew what went down, but Jack didn’t care about that right now.

He turned his attention to Mac who looked… broken, and he wrapped his arms around him, pulling him to his feet. “Come on, let’s get outta here,” he muttered, tugging a basically unresponsive Mac with him after taking the comms out of their ears and putting them in his pocket.

He got them out to the GTO and bundled Mac into the passenger’s seat before getting in on the driver’s side. He started the car and drove away from the scene, and once they were on the highway heading to Mac’s place, he said, a hint of pleading in his voice, “Mac, you gotta talk to me, bud. I… I don’t know what I’m doin’ here, and I don’t wanna say something that’s gonna make you feel worse.”

“What about work?” Mac asked slowly, blinking hard, and Jack realized he was fighting through shock – the combination of telling that horrific story and then having a hand in killing Sanchez must have rattled him.

“Fuck work,” was Jack’s response, and he didn’t realize how hard he was gripping the wheel until it creaked ominously under his hands. “I don’t care about work, I care about you.”

Mac didn’t say anything, only seemed to curl in himself, gripping Jack’s leather jacket with his hands and wrapping it tightly around himself. Jack swallowed hard, but kept driving, because there really wasn’t anything else he could do at the moment, but he did step on it, wanting to get them to Mac’s house as quickly as possible.

After a moment the silence in the car was broken by Mac’s quiet gasp and a hitch in his breathing. “I got blood on your jacket, I’m so sorry,” he whispered, his voice shaking, and Jack almost crashed the car when he realized Mac sounded _scared_. “I didn’t mean to- I’m… really sorry, I’ll fix it, or I’ll get you a new one, I promise.”

“Hey, hey, none of that,” Jack said, and he heard the tremor in his own voice. He waited until they were down the exit ramp to pull off the road. He twisted in his seat and put a gentle hand on Mac’s shoulder, moving slowly so Mac saw the touch coming. He didn’t flinch away this time, but he did stare at Jack with wide eyes. “You did nothing wrong, you understand? You protected those people and yourself, and I don’t care that there’s blood on my jacket. I care that you’re safe.”

After a moment Mac slowly nodded and swallowed hard before turning his gaze back to the road. Exhaling shakily, Jack removed his hand from his shoulder and started the car again, and got back on the road. They weren’t far from Mac’s house now and Jack drove there basically on autopilot, his mind repeating Mac’s story in his head. He couldn’t believe this, couldn’t believe that something this awful had happened to Mac and that he had been living with this for so long. He wondered if Bozer knew and if he did, if he knew _everything_ – he had a feeling Mac might have hidden parts of it even from him, which would mean that Mac had been dealing with everything _alone_.

They pulled into the driveway, the house dark ahead of them, and Jack threw the car into park and just… sat there for a moment, staring ahead blankly. “Jack?” Mac’s voice was tiny and too careful for Jack’s liking. “Would you… could you… maybe stay for a while?”

“Of course,” Jack murmured, and they both got out, Mac’s hands trembling as they unlocked the front door. Once they were inside Mac went over to the living room and sat down on the couch, not taking off Jack’s jacket. He put his elbows on his knees and buried his face in his hands, and it was far removed from how he would normally show Jack what he had been tinkering with or offer him a beer.

Jack followed him quietly and he didn’t know what to do, but he needed to do _something_. He couldn’t stand seeing Mac in so much pain, so haunted by his past and clearly blaming himself for some part of it, Jack could hear it in his voice.

Speaking of blame… Jack felt sick when he realized he was partially responsible for what had happened. If Mac… if they hadn’t planned a Skype call for that day, maybe… maybe things would have gone differently. Swallowing hard, Jack sat down on the couch as well, keeping a small space between them, not wanting to crowd Mac.

“You were never supposed to find out,” Mac suddenly whispered, his voice breaking.

Jack leaned forward a little and caught Mac staring at the floor through his fingers. “Why not?” he asked softly, and when Mac’s surprised gaze snapped to him, he elaborated, “Why… did you feel like you couldn’t tell me? Because, Mac, if I ever gave you the impression that I wouldn’t listen, or I… I wouldn’t believe you or something, I’m so sorry.”

“No, no.” Mac immediately shook his head with wide eyes before turning his gaze back to the floor. “I didn’t… I didn’t want you to see me any differently. I didn’t want you to know how… how weak I was and how badly I fucked up,” he said, and Jack’s eyes widened because he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “I know that this… this changes things and you probably don’t… don’t want to have anything to do with me, and I… I understand.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Jack asked incredulously, staring at Mac in disbelief. He put his hand on Mac’s shoulder again, squeezing gently, not taking it away even when Mac looked at Jack’s hand and then his face. “There is nothing you could ever tell me that would make me not want to be around you, Mac. You’re my… my best friend.” _And so much more_ , he thought, but didn’t say. “And what do you mean you fucked up? None of this is your fault.”

“But it is,” Mac whispered, twisting his fingers and staring at the floor. “If I hadn’t… I should’ve left when he hit me for the first time. Or the second time, or the third… I should’ve gotten out as soon as he showed his true face, but I stayed.” Even though Mac wasn’t looking at Jack, he could see his blue eyes filling with tears. “In a way I… I asked for it, didn’t I? By staying, I… I asked for it,” he whispered, his voice breaking again, and along with it Jack’s heart broke as well.

“No,” he said firmly, and he carefully slid his arm around Mac’s shoulders, pulling him into his side in a half-hug. “You didn’t ask for anything, Mac. You wound up in a relationship with somebody who didn’t deserve to breathe the same air as you, let alone touch you. I wish…” He took in a shuddering breath. “I wish I had been here in town, just hired somebody to pack up my stuff in Texas. I never should’ve left you alone.”

It seemed like either Jack’s words or his touch, or maybe both, broke something in Mac. He let out a loud, gut-wrenching sob, and turned under Jack’s arm to press himself against his side, and pushed his face into Jack’s neck. More sobs followed right away and he was crying harder than Jack had ever seen him cry (he could count the times he had seen Mac cry using one hand only), his entire body shaking violently.

“Okay, okay, shhh,” Jack said, trying for soothing. He wrapped his other arm around Mac too, pushing himself into the corner and pulling Mac in as close as possible. “It’s alright, Mac, I’m right here.” He rested his cheek against the top of Mac’s head, soft blond strands sticking to his skin. “Let it out, I’m not going anywhere.”

Some of the sobs Mac let out sounded like they were actually painful, so Jack just tightened his arms around him, murmuring soft, soothing words into his hair. Internally he was already planning how he was going to find this Vince guy – he couldn’t ask Riley for help, but he had been doing this job long enough that he knew his way around computers, he would figure it out.

Eventually, Mac slowly stopped sobbing and only sniffled occasionally, although his body was still trembling. “I’m sorry,” he said in a tiny voice, slightly muffled by Jack’s neck. “For… all of it.”

“You don’t need to apologize for anything,” Jack assured him, leaning back enough to stroke his fingers through Mac’s hair, pushing stray pieces out of his teary eyes. He could feel his throat tighten when he saw the absolutely wrecked expression on Mac’s face and had to swallow back his emotions. “ _I’m_ sorry that I wasn’t there to help.”

“It wasn’t your fault.” Mac sniffled and leaned into Jack’s touch a little. His hands were gripping Jack’s t-shirt tightly and he was kind of curled up on the couch, making himself as small as he could. “You didn’t know. No one did,” he said, his voice even more quiet than before. “There were moments when I wanted to tell you so badly like… like the day after.”

“I wish you had,” Jack said, continuing to stroke his hand through Mac’s hair because he seemed to be comforted by the gesture. “I mean, obviously I wish it hadn’t fucking happened at all, and that the bastard was dead and buried, but… I wish I could’ve helped you somehow. Comforted you, maybe. Or we could’ve just gotten really drunk together.”

Mac snorted quietly, which was exactly what Jack had hoped for, and he snuggled even closer into Jack’s embrace. Jack forced himself to ignore how his heart fluttered because of Mac being so close to him. Instead he remembered one of the things Mac had said during the meeting and he immediately felt sick again, his chest tightening painfully.

“It was me you were supposed to Skype with that day, wasn’t it?” he asked quietly, and after a moment Mac nodded. “Fuck, Mac, I’m… I’m so sorry.”

Mac looked up at him without dislodging Jack’s fingers in his hair. “Why are you apologizing?” he asked, frowning a little. His hands weren’t clenched in Jack’s shirt anymore, palms resting flat against his chest. “It’s not your fault, Jack. I think… I’m pretty sure at that point he would’ve used any excuse. He even accused me of sleeping with Bozer once.”

Jack felt anger rise inside him, but he swallowed it down, not wanting to accidentally upset Mac even more. He was going to find the bastard and put him in the ground, unless he was already locked up somewhere – in that case he would make necessary arrangements and have him gone for good. “Did he… you mentioned leaving and telling him you’re done,” Jack said quietly, trying not to think about Mac’s breath ghosting on his skin. “Did he leave you alone after that?”

“He came to the house once after that,” Mac said, his voice just as quiet, although there was more confidence in the words than there had a while ago. “I wasn’t home, but Bozer was. He came outside with a baseball bat after calling the cops and told him to leave. He did, but I wound up filing a harassment report against him.” He blinked as if just realizing something. “You… you haven’t asked me why I didn’t report it. The rape, I mean.”

“I was going to,” Jack admitted quietly, scratching Mac’s scalp lightly and continuing to brush his fingers through his hair. “I’m also assuming you haven’t told Bozer, right?” Mac nodded in response, just like Jack thought he would have. He had mentioned no one knowing, so Jack’s assumption about Mac going through this alone turned out to be true. “Why didn’t you? It must’ve been so… hard, dealing with this alone. And he deserved to get locked up for this.”

Mac sighed, and it took every ounce of Jack’s control not to shudder when he felt that gust of warm air his throat. “I know, it’s just… I thought no one would believe me,” he admitted, and Jack felt his heart break all over again. “This is one of those things that as men we’re taught only happens to women, and while that’s not true, nobody ever wants to look too closely when the victim’s a man – and half the time nobody believes the women either. Plus, I… I knew we were up for jobs at DXS, and I didn’t want this to hurt my chances… or yours.”

Jack made a small pained sound in the back of his throat and closed his eyes, burying his nose in Mac’s hair. He belatedly realized that this gesture wasn’t exactly platonic, but Mac didn’t say anything, so hopefully it was all good. “I wouldn’t have cared, you know,” he murmured. “If you’d told me and somehow I wouldn’t have gotten the job… that would’ve been fine.” They were both silent for a moment, sitting tangled together, and Jack never wanted to let go. “Hey, you… you wouldn’t happen to know how that asshole ended up? And… where?”

Mac gave him a look that suggested he knew exactly what Jack was up to and didn’t buy his innocuous tone for a second. “He’s already dead, Jack, you can’t kill him again,” he said wryly. One of his index fingers was tracing some kind of shape over Jack’s heart, over and over again. “I had nothing to do with it, before you ask. He got into a high-speed car accident – apparently there was nothing left but the frame of the car and burned rubber.”

“Well, that’s a pity, but I hope it was at least painful,” Jack said darkly, his arms tightening around Mac without his control. “But I’m glad there’s no chance for you to run into him again.”

Mac hummed in agreement, but didn’t say anything else, continuing to trace that shape on Jack’s body. He tried to discreetly make out what it was, but he couldn’t tell from that angle, so eventually he gave up. “Jack?” Mac asked quietly after a moment, and his voice was once again unsure and small. “Can you… can you keep all of this to yourself?”

Mac didn’t seem to want Jack to loosen his grip or move away, so he didn’t. “I won’t tell anybody, Mac,” he replied, and his brain reminded him absently how much he loved Mac’s smell – sunshine and ozone, mixed with a little sweat and blood from earlier. It was probably a creepy thing to notice how a person smelled, but Jack was so far gone for Mac that he couldn’t bring himself to care. He frowned at the blood splatter he could see near Mac’s hairline and asked, “Do you wanna take a shower? I’ll stay however long you want me to, but you might feel a little better if you got cleaned up.”

“You’re probably right,” Mac said quietly, but he didn’t move and Jack definitely wasn’t going to push him away. “Would you… could you come to the bedroom with me?” he asked after a moment, his hand stopping tracing that shape and instead resting over Jack’s heart. “I don’t… I don’t wanna be alone.”

Jack slid one of his hands over Mac’s back and shoulder until he could squeeze his arm. “Whatever you need.”

They got up off the couch, but Mac didn’t stray far from Jack’s side. They went into his bedroom, and Jack sat on the edge of the bed while Mac dug through his drawers for clothes. “Okay, I’m just gonna address the elephant in the room here,” Jack declared, watching Mac’s posture for a sign that he was overstepping. “Do you want me to stay here tonight? Because I can do that, no problem. I wouldn’t blame you for not wanting to rattle around here by yourself today.”

Mac froze for a moment before he visibly deflated and relaxed. “That… I’d like that,” he said quietly, briefly glancing at Jack with those pretty eyes before straightening up. “Feel free to look for some clothes to sleep in,” he added, sounding a bit more like he should, and then he headed for the bathroom, lingering in the doorway for a moment before closing the door.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there!
> 
> I figured I'll post another chapter this soon because I don't wanna keep you waiting... also we have the entire fic ready for you :) This chapter is a bit shorter, but I promise the last one is longer!
> 
> Hope you enjoy it!

Once he was gone, Jack let out a quiet sigh, rubbing his face with his hand. He grabbed some sweatpants and a t-shirt – wait, was that his? – and he quickly changed before grabbing the phone from the pocket of his jeans. He had put it on silent earlier and he winced when he saw seven missed calls from Matty.

Knowing there was no escaping her wrath, he dialed her number and waited for her to pick up, which she obviously did after barely one signal. “Hey, boss lady-“

“Don’t ‘boss lady’ me, Dalton,” Matty cut in, her tone strident. “What the hell happened out there? You and Blondie disappeared right after the tac team showed up.”

“Yeah, sorry about that,” Jack said, wincing a little. “Mac wasn’t feeling great after what happened with Sanchez, and my momma hen instincts kicked in. I took him home.” It wasn’t exactly a lie, but it wasn’t the whole truth and he hoped she didn’t call him out on it.

Matty was quiet for a moment, and then she sighed. “Is he okay?”

Jack closed his eyes and exhaled in relief, once again grateful for Mac’s ability to make anyone love him – even a complete badass such as Matty. “Yeah, he’ll be fine,” he said, and hoped like hell he was right. “He’s a bit… shaken up by what happened, but he’ll be okay.” Again, everything he had just said was technically true. He would have to tell Mac what version he should go with in case Matty cornered him as well.

“Okay, well, take tomorrow off, there’s nothing big coming up,” Matty said, and Jack felt a swell of relief in his chest, thanking her and then they hung up.

Mac had been in the bathroom for a while at this point with the water running, and while Jack didn’t want to disturb him, it was also awfully quiet. He knocked lightly on the door, not pushing it open. “Mac? You okay in there?”

He didn’t get an answer, so after a moment he opened the door just a little. “Mac? You okay?” he called out again, raising his voice a little to be heard over the running water. No response again, or at least that was what Jack thought at first – he was about to call out again when he heard a tiny whimper, barely audible, and his heart cracked. “I’m coming inside, Mac,” he warned, not wanting to startle Mac, and he slowly stepped into the bathroom.

Much to his surprise, he saw that Mac wasn’t in the shower anymore even though the water was running. Instead, he was sitting on the floor, wrapped in a huge, fluffy towel, and Jack was alarmed to see the tears rolling down his cheeks. “It’s been years and I… I…” Mac started hoarsely before Jack could say anything. “I just can’t stop thinking about it today, about his… his hands on me, and how it… how it felt, I just- I just can’t-“

Jack’s chest ached, and turned off the water before crouching down next to Mac on the floor. He reached out to touch him, but thought better of it. “Is it okay if I-“ Before he could finish the sentence, Mac all but threw himself into Jack’s arms, his arms wrapping around his neck as he clung tightly to him. Jack returned the embrace immediately, keeping his hands well above Mac’s waist and resting his chin on top of Mac’s wet head. “Okay, it’s alright, Mac. You’re safe with me, you know that.”

Mac started trembling again just like he had been before and he made this tiny, wounded sound that made Jack tear up. He shifted a little so that he was sitting on the floor with his back against the wall, and Mac curled up against him, almost sitting in Jack’s lap. Jack held him close, making sure to keep his hands on the towel and not touch Mac’s skin, wondering how often Mac got hit with a wave of those bad memories, and it made him sick when he realized that until now he had to deal with them alone. Suddenly the image of Mac crying himself to sleep in his bed showed up in his head and Jack squeezed his eyes shut, stifling a pained sound of his own.

He ran a soothing hand up and down Mac’s back. “It’s okay, Mac,” he whispered, holding Mac a little tighter when a shudder ran through his body. “You’re okay, I’ve got you.” His voice was raspy with emotion, and he felt a tear slip down his cheek and land on Mac’s forehead.

He must have felt it, because he looked up at Jack and frowned, sniffling. “What’s… what’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

“Seeing you like this, in so much pain… it’s tearing me up inside,” Jack said quietly, not loosening his hold on Mac. He was looking up at him with wide, luminous eyes, even more blue because of the tears shining in them, and even despite them he was still the most beautiful thing Jack had ever seen. “I just wish there was something I could do to help you ease that pain. If I could I would take it all on myself.”

The expression on Mac’s face morphed from distraught to something… soft and almost… affectionate? “I know you would,” he whispered, and Jack had never wanted anything as badly as he wanted to kiss Mac right now, but that was an awful idea for many reasons.

He might have known Mac wasn’t straight now, but that didn’t mean he was interested in Jack, and with what had happened to him… “Did you, um-“ Jack paused to clear his throat. “Did you ever go out with a guy again? After… you know?”

“No,” Mac said quietly, and one of his hands slid down Jack’s chest. He started tracing some kind of shape there again, his touch soft, and Jack kind of never wanted it to stop. “I… I tried, but all the guys reminded me of Vince and what… what he did to me. It’s stupid, I know, but…” He shrugged a little. “I was… scared. So I dated only women.”

“It’s not stupid if it’s how you feel,” Jack said, keeping his touch against Mac’s back light and gentle. Something occurred to him, and he was almost afraid to ask about it… but he had to, he had to be sure. “I don’t… I don’t scare you, right? Because earlier, when we were in the car, you said… that Rosa might’ve been scared of me. And I know I can be kind of… too much, sometimes, but I’d never hurt you, Mac, you’ve gotta know that.”

“What? Jack, of course I know that,” Mac immediately said, his fingers briefly gripping Jack’s t-shirt before he put his hand flat back on his chest. “You could never scare me, you… you never have. In fact, I… there’s no one else I feel as safe as I do with you,” he admitted quietly, blinking those huge eyes at Jack.

Guilt curdled in Jack’s gut, and before he could stop himself he blurted out, “Then there’s something you need to know, Mac. I don’t feel comfortable hiding it from you if… if you feel that way.” He took in a shuddering breath and squeezed his eyes closed, fully prepared for Mac to pull away and/or hit him when he said, “I’m in love with you, have been for years. I can’t, in good conscience, sit here and hug you and tell you everything’s fine without you knowing that. It feels like a violation of your trust and I can’t stand it.”

Mac tensed in his arms, stilling completely. “What?” he breathed out, shifting and sitting up a little, and Jack figured he was seconds away from pushing Jack as far as he could. It didn’t happen, though, and instead Jack felt a gentle hand touch his cheek. “Jack, look at me,” Mac asked quietly, his voice soft, and… if that was Mac’s way of pushing him away, it was a very cruel one. Slowly, Jack opened his eyes and saw Mac looking at him with an expression that he couldn’t quite read. “You… you mean it?”

Jack swallowed hard before he nodded tightly. “I do, Mac,” he whispered, and the look on Mac’s face shifted into something full of wonder – Jack noticed it peripherally because he was busy staring at Mac’s hairline and praying he didn’t start crying in earnest. “You’re… you’re everything to me. And what happened today changes nothing – if anything it makes me love you more, because I knew you were strong, but _god_ , I can’t imagine going through all that on your own.”

Mac didn’t say anything and Jack really didn’t know what was going to happen next. Despite usually being able to read Mac like an open book, he just couldn’t tell what Mac was thinking right now. The hand he had on Jack’s cheek slid lower to his neck, thumb rubbing over his stubble… and before Jack knew what was happening, Mac was leaning in and pressing their lips together in the softest kiss.

Jack went completely still, and the he made a tiny sound in the back of his throat and relaxed into the kiss. He was shocked to say the least, but he brought the hand that was on Mac’s back to tangle in his hair, his touch exceedingly careful.

When they broke apart, Jack stared at Mac with wide eyes. “Mac… what? What’s going on?”

Mac’s eyes were also wide, two small oceans staring right back at Jack. “Well, you… you told me you loved me, so I kissed you, because… because I love you too?” he said quietly, a tiny, questioning note in his voice, and Jack was pretty sure he was either dreaming, or he was dead and had somehow ended up in heaven.

“You do?” Jack asked, and when Mac nodded, he leaned in and kissed him again, still chaste and careful. Their lips moved against each other briefly before Jack pulled away again, his other hand coming up to touch Mac’s cheek. “Is this real? Because I’ve had an awful lot of dreams like this, darlin’.”

“It’s real,” Mac whispered, turning his head to kiss Jack’s palm. He framed Jack’s face with both hands, looking at him in disbelief. “Even though I can’t believe you… you actually feel this way,” he said, rubbing the skin under Jack’s eyes with his thumbs. “Especially now that you know what… what happened to me.” He swallowed hard, leaning in to rest his forehead against Jack’s. “You deserve so much better, but I… I kinda want to be selfish for once in my life and not let you go.”

“Hey, there’s nothing wrong with you,” Jack said, keeping his voice calm but firm. His fingertips explored the curve of Mac’s jaw, the softness of his ear, the pulse thumping in his neck. “You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met, Mac, and there is nothing in the world that could change that. I love you exactly how you are.”

Mac exhaled shakily, his breath hot on Jack’s lips, and he pulled him into another kiss. He slid his arms around his neck and Jack kept his one hand in his hair while wrapping the other arm around Mac’s waist, still making sure he was covered by the towel. The kiss was slow and gentle, their lips just pressing together and parting only to meet again, and Jack was happy to do nothing more… but after a moment Mac’s tongue tentatively licked over his lower lip.

And it would take a much stronger man than Jack to deny Mac anything, so he parted his lips and let him in, unable to hold back a groan when their tongues slid together. This was all he had ever wanted and it felt better than he could have imagined, and he let Mac control the pace, not wanting to make him even a little uncomfortable.

Eventually they broke apart for air, and Jack pressed his lips to Mac’s cheek. “You wanna put some clothes on? If you don’t want me in bed with you, I’m more than happy to cuddle the shit outta you on the couch.”

Mac ducked his head, his cheeks flushing pink, and it was the most adorable thing in the world. Jack couldn’t help but smile and kiss his cheek again before he stood up and turned around, giving Mac some privacy to get dressed. A moment later he felt his presence behind his back, so he turned again and almost melted – and no, he was wrong, _this_ was the most adorable thing in the world.

Mac looked all fluffy and soft in his sweatpants and a t-shirt that was clearly too big on him… because it was _Jack’s_ , he was sure he had lost it a while ago. “I don’t mind you being in my bed,” Mac said softly, hesitating for a second before reaching to grab Jack’s hand.

It was Jack’s turn to flush. “Okay,” he replied, and let Mac tug him back into the bedroom.

It was dark and quiet in there, the only sounds their breathing, and Mac left his side for a moment to close the curtains. Then he climbed into bed, holding up the blankets so Jack could join him, which he did after a moment’s pause. He leaned up against the headboard and stayed very still when Mac curled up against his side, dropping an arm around him only once Mac’s head settled on his shoulder.

He dropped a kiss on the top of Mac’s head and buried his nose in his hair. He closed his eyes as he inhaled his smell and while it was still probably creepy, Jack didn’t feel as bad about it now after the change in their relationship. “I’m not afraid of you, Jack,” Mac suddenly said, his voice quiet as he started tracing something on Jack’s chest _again_. “You don’t have to be so careful, you… you won’t scare me.”

The idea that Mac trusted him so readily made something in Jack’s chest feel warm and tight. He nuzzled behind Mac’s ear and shit his eyes again. “I’m always gonna be careful with you, darlin’,” he said, one hand squeezing Mac’s biceps. “But I do need to know something – what the hell do you keep drawing on me?”

“The chemical symbols for dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin,” Mac replied, before biting his lower lip. “They’re, uh, the chemicals released by the brain when you feel love.”

Jack huffed out a quiet laugh and tightened his arms around Mac. “You know, I’m kinda surprised with myself that I didn’t expect that kind of response,” he said with a smile. “Nerdy and cute, just like you.”

Mac flushed prettily again, and Jack was now sure that making Mac blush like that was going to be one of his favorite things. “Shut up,” Mac grumbled a little, and pressed his face into Jack’s neck, and it was like… it was like he was smelling him, just like Jack had earlier with him.

“I have another question,” Jack said after a moment, and Mac just hummed, waiting for him to continue. “Before you went into that church, you asked for my jacket. Why?”

“Well, before I got in there and started talking, I was gonna follow the script. And since ‘Eli’ had just gotten out of an abusive relationship with his ex, I figured I should wear the jacket to cover up the fact that I didn’t have any bruises since I was in a t-shirt.” That seemed reasonable, and Jack was happy to leave the answer at that, but evidently Mac wasn’t, because he continued, “Plus, I… you wear it all the time, so it smells like you. And it makes me feel safe, just like you do.” Jack almost melted and his heart was basically bursting with how much he loved the man in his arms. “Also, even though I planned to follow the script…” Mac spoke again. “I knew it was gonna be hard, I had been thinking about Vince ever since Matty told us what the mission was, so… I needed you there with me for support, and since you didn’t know what was going on… your jacket was the next best thing.”

“Well, baby, feel free to wear it whenever you want,” Jack said, clearing his throat when the words came out all choked up. “I loved how it looked on you.”

Mac pressed his lips to Jack’s jaw, smiling against his stubble. “I really do think I can get the blood out of it – there’s a solution I’ve been working on to break down hemoglobin, and the blood on the jacket might be a good test run. If not, I’ll buy you another one.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Jack said, and he meant it. Compared to getting to hold Mac like this, everything else was inconsequential. “Oh, I did call Matty. Told her you didn’t feel well after Sanchez ate shit so I took you home. We have tomorrow off.”

Mac pulled back a little and looked at him incredulously. “She bought it?”

“Yeah.” Jack nodded. “As soon as I told her, mama Matty showed up instead of the boss lady.” When Mac looked at him like he had lost his mind, Jack just grinned. “She has a soft spot for you, don’t tell me you never noticed.”

Judging by the confused look on Mac’s face, he actually hadn’t and it was endearing. “Thank you, Jack,” he said quietly after a moment. “For covering for me.”

“Anytime, darlin’. Anytime.” Mac tilted his head a little and kissed Jack’s jaw again before reaching to cup his cheek and pull him down for a proper kiss.

Jack sank into Mac’s mouth, a barely audible sigh leaving him when he felt Mac’s lips against his. Kissing him was like the best kind of drug, and Jack never wanted it to stop, living for Mac’s body under his hands and the little sound he made when Jack nipped on his lower lip before the kiss got deeper. He had zero expectations beyond getting to kiss and hold Mac at Mac’s discretion and he was more than fine with it. He had one hand near Mac’s shoulder and the other one was on his side, and Jack resisted the urge to move them anywhere they didn’t belong.

Despite the kiss getting deeper, it was still slow and gentle, although Jack couldn’t help but moan a little at the feeling of Mac’s tongue exploring his mouth. After a moment Mac shifted a little and tugged Jack down until he wasn’t leaning against the headboard anymore, but was lying down on his side on the mattress. He instantly pressed himself against Jack, throwing his leg over Jack’s to pull him even closer, one of his hands sliding down Jack’s side and slipping under his t-shirt, his fingers curling around Jack’s hipbone.

Jack shuddered at all the contact, going where Mac wanted him, and he slid his hand down from Mac’s arm to stroke over his back, keeping his hand on top of his t-shirt for the moment. He got lost in the kiss, in how Mac’s long fingers felt where they were stroking at the skin over his hip. There was desire simmering low in Jack’s belly, but he pushed it away, concentrating entirely on Mac, because there was no way in hell he was going to let his dick ruin this.

Mac was getting a little bolder, moving his hand from Jack’s hip to run it up and down his back under the t-shirt, and Jack shivered again. It was taking all of his willpower to stay still, to keep his hands where they were, and not roll on top of Mac to pin him down and kiss him senseless, but the last thing he wanted was to upset Mac in any way.

“Jack?” Mac murmured against his lips. “You okay?”

“Mhmm.” Jack hummed a confirmation and pulled back a bit, both so he could breathe and look Mac in the eyes. He brought his hand up from Mac’s back to cup his cheek, thumb ghosting over his lower lip briefly. “You’ve got no idea how tempting you are, baby. All you have to do is kiss me and it drives me insane in the best way.”

Mac blushed again, but also smiled a little, biting his lower lip and driving Jack even crazier. He leaned in to kiss him softly before nuzzling Jack’s cheek, one arm coming up to slide around Jack’s shoulders. “I want you, Jack,” he said quietly against Jack’s skin, bold in a way only Mac could be. “But I… I just…”

“I know, Mac.” Jack folded both arms around Mac’s body again, rolling onto his back and pulling Mac with him. He settled against Jack’s chest, blond hair tickling his chin where it was starting to dry. “I want you too, so damn badly, but not until and unless you’re a hundred percent okay with it. I’ll wait however long you need me to… or if it never happens, that’s okay too.”

“But that’s not fair to you,” Mac said quietly, rubbing Jack’s chest with his thumb through his shirt. “I want to… I want to make you happy, to give you anything you want. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice anything just because I’m… damaged and broken.” Mac said that last part so quietly it was barely audible, and Jack didn’t like the tone of his voice, because it sounded like Mac was… angry with himself.

“You do make me happy, darlin’ – you were doing that when we were just friends, and now I feel like the luckiest son of a bitch in the world,” Jack told him, one hand resting on Mac’s lower back, the other one coming up to stroke his hair away from his face. “And you’re not damaged or broken, you went through something traumatic and you were afraid to tell someone about it. That’s not all that unusual, and you’ve gotta know I’d sacrifice way more than sex for you.”

Mac was quiet for a moment before he tilted his head to give Jack another kiss. “I love you so much,” he whispered softly against his lips, and they kissed slowly for a moment before Mac pulled back and snuggled into Jack’s chest.

“I love you too, baby. More than anything,” Jack murmured, tightening his arms around him and smiling a little when Mac yawned adorably. “Get some sleep, baby. I’m gonna be right here in the morning.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there!
> 
> Here it is, the final chapter! Thank you so much for all the positive reviews and hopefully I'll be back soon with a brand new fic :)

It didn’t take long for them to fall asleep, because while Mac definitely had the worse day, Jack hadn’t exactly had it easy either. But he woke up only a few hours later, and for a second he wasn’t sure where he was – at least until Mac kneed him in the balls so hard he almost fell off the bed. He was sweating and thrashing, his shirt riding up as he mumbles nonsense, his hands balled in fists.

“Jesus _fuck_ ,” Jack wheezed out, grabbing at himself with one hand and shoving at Mac’s shoulder with the other. “Mac, wake up! You’re having a nightmare!”

Mac whimpered loudly, but didn’t wake up, so Jack sat up a little with a groan and shook him again. This time it worked and Mac woke up with a strangled sob, sitting up abruptly, and the next thing Jack knew there was a fist flying in his direction. He was still recovering from the kick in the balls, so it caught him off guard and he didn’t react in time. Mac’s fist collided with his jaw a second later and while it wasn’t the strongest punch, it still knocked the air out of his lungs and made him see stars, pain flaring in his jaw.

It also knocked him clean off the bed and onto the floor, the impact of landing on his back on the hardwood floor jarring him so badly his teeth clicked together. Between one slow blink and the next Mac was on the floor next to him, his face red from exertion and lined with worry.

“Jack, hey, are you okay?” he asked, eyebrows drawing down. His hand hovered over Jack’s shoulder like he wanted to touch him, but wasn’t sure he should. “I’m so sorry, I… I have dreams like that sometimes and usually I’m alone, I didn’t know it was you.”

“It’s- it’s okay, baby,” Jack wheezed out, staring at the ceiling for a moment and trying to catch his breath. He wasn’t sure what hurt the most at the moment, his jaw, his back, or his balls, but it pretty much sucked. Mac’s hand was still hovering above him, so he grabbed it and squeezed, not wanting to see that hesitant look on Mac’s face. “I’m just… gonna need a moment,” he told him, and rolled on his side, not letting go of Mac’s hand. Mac was watching him worriedly and Jack realized that he only remembered punching him. “You kinda… kneed me in the balls before I woke you up,” he explained, and Mac’s eyes widened in horror.

“Oh shit,” he said, and squeezed Jack’s fingers, thankfully not trying to run away. “Do you need me to get you ice?”

“No, no, I think I’m alright,” Jack said, the throbbing pain below his metaphorical belt easing slightly. He prodded around a little to make sure everything was where it was supposed to be, but he didn’t move. His jaw stung, but he moved his tongue around his mouth and didn’t feel any loose teeth. “Can you, uh, maybe check my back and see if anything’s, uh, not where it’s supposed to be? My back gets outta whack sometimes.”

“Yeah, yeah, of course,” Mac immediately said, and he gently rolled Jack on his side, tugging his shirt up and running a gentle hand up and down his back. “Looks like everything’s fine,” he said after a moment, and Jack lied back on his back. “I’m… I’m so sorry, Jack.”

“Nah, baby, it’s fine.” Jack shook his head, waving off Mac’s apology. “You should be pleased with yourself, you managed to take me out with one kick and one punch, all the bad dudes I’ve encountered would kill for the ability to do this.”

That made Mac laugh a little, and even if it was strained, Jack considered it a win. He brought Mac’s hand up to his mouth and kissed the back of it, then said, “Really, Mac, I’m okay. I’m actually more worried about you. What… what were you dreaming about?”

Mac sighed and looked at him sadly. “There’s really only one thing, isn’t there? I was… I was trapped with Vince again, but this time it was worse, because… you were there too.”

“From the look on your face I take it I didn’t try to help you?” Jack asked, slowly sitting up and leaning against the bed.

“No,” Mac whispered, sitting next to him and taking his one hand in both of his, putting them in his lap. He kept his gaze fixed on them as he started playing with Jack’s fingers and lightly massaging his hand. “No, you were… you were so angry at… at me,” he said, and Jack’s blood froze. “You were watching while he… and you were so disappointed. Called me weak and everything.”

Jack forced the hand that was in Mac’s lap to stay still even as the other one clenched into a fist against his own thigh. He took a deep, steading breath, staring straight ahead while his initial outrage at that idea burned itself out. Then he looked at Mac, his eyes searching the side of his face, which was partially obscured by his hair. “Mac… you know if I’d been there I would’ve killed him, preferably before it got that far. And I never would’ve been angry with you… you do know that, right?”

“I… I do know that, in theory,” Mac said quietly, still not looking at Jack. “It’s just… I’ve spent years keeping it a secret, afraid of what your reaction would be if you ever found out, and I guess my subconscious hasn’t gotten the memo yet.” He exhaled shakily and entwined their fingers together, holding Jack’s hand tightly. “It’s not the first time I had this particular dream.”

“Fuck,” Jack whispered, squeezing Mac’s hand. And since had been told he didn’t have to be so careful, he only hesitated for a second before pressing himself into Mac’s side, kissing his head and using his free hand to curl around Mac’s biceps. He buried his face in Mac’s hair and just breathed some more for a moment. “I wish I had been there. I’d like nothing more than to tear that bastard apart with my bare hands.”

Mac immediately leaned into Jack, resting his head on his shoulder. “I know this is probably a wrong thing to say, but… me too,” he admitted quietly, and Jack’s eyes widened a little in surprise, because Mac… Mac had never been one for violence, even with the worst people they had dealt with. But this was worse, much worse, so maybe Jack wasn’t that surprised after all. “I know you would’ve made it painful and… I wouldn’t have stopped you.”

“I don’t think it’s wrong, and even if it is, I don’t care. The day he put a hand on you was the day he stopped deserving to breathe.” Jack rearranged them a little so he could slip his arm around Mac’s shoulders, but gave him the hand that was hooked around his arm to hold instead. “And for the record, darlin’, you didn’t do anything wrong. If I seem angry at all, I’m angry at myself for not being there to help you, for not figuring out something was wrong when I did get to LA.”

“But that wasn’t your fault,” Mac said softly, squeezing Jack’s hand and looking up at him. It was dark in his bedroom, but Jack could still see how huge and blue his eyes were. “You didn’t know. It was easy to hide the bruises from you since we only talked on Skype and he was careful about where he hit me. Bozer knew, he figured it out,” he added quietly. “He called me out on it, but I… I didn’t listen, ignored him until… until it was too late.”

Jack shut his eyes momentarily, and when he opened them again he pulled Mac closer and pressed his lips to his forehead. He lingered there, and when he spoke again his voice had a tremor to it that he couldn’t control. “I know I don’t understand how much pain this must’ve caused you… but I can’t help but think of how glad I am that you’re still here. He could’ve killed you, Mac, if you were barely conscious when it happened.”

Mac was silent for a moment, rubbing Jack’s hand with his thumb, and when he spoke it made Jack’s blood turn into ice. “For a while I wished… I wished he had,” he whispered so quietly Jack could barely hear him. “I was so ashamed and angry at myself, and I knew you were coming to LA soon, and I had no idea how to… how to face you after what happened.”

Jack swallowed hard, the horror that those words brought him flooding through his body. “That would’ve destroyed me,” he said softly, nuzzling at Mac’s hairline, his temple. “You’re… you’ve got no idea how much you’ve helped me, Mac. I was a completely different person before I met you, and… and the idea of not having you around terrifies me. When I can help protect you, keep you safe, then it’s better… but I couldn’t protect you from this.”

“You can’t always protect me, Jack,” Mac said quietly, letting go of Jack’s hand and pulling back enough to cup his cheek. “And you were always a good person, even before you knew me.” These were not the words Jack had used, but as always Mac could read between the lines and knew exactly what Jack meant even when he didn’t say it.

“I love you so much,” Jack whispered, and then he leaned in slowly, giving Mac plenty of time to move away if he wanted to. He didn’t, and their lips met in a gentle kiss. It stayed tame, light presses of their mouths, and when Jack pulled away he realized the room was getting brighter, which meant the sun was coming up. “You wanna try going back to sleep? Or should I make you some breakfast?”

Smiling a little, Mac leaned in to kiss Jack’s cheek. “Maybe let’s go back to bed for now?” he suggested, brushing his fingers against Jack’s stubble. “You can cook for me later.”

Jack smiled back and nodded, letting Mac stand up first and pull him up to his feet. When they got back on the mattress, Jack fully expected Mac to just curl up against his side and try to get more sleep, so he was a little caught off guard when instead Mac tugged him until they were facing each other and pressed their lips together in another kiss.

He wasn’t about to protest, loving how Mac’s mouth felt against his, plush and warm. He couldn’t suppress a shudder when Mac licked his way into his mouth, fingers tangling in the material of Jack’s t-shirt. Once again Jack kept his hand in safe territory, skimming over Mac’s back, but not going too low or trying to find skin.

One of Mac’s hands slid down Jack’s side until it reached his hip. He fiddled with the hem of Jack’s t-shirt a little and Jack felt him falter, his lips suddenly not moving. Before he could pull back and ask what was wrong, Mac was kissing him again, harder, and pushing his hand under his shirt, exploring his abs with his fingertips.

His lips moved against Jack’s hungrily, his touch firm as he moved his hand over the planes of Jack’s muscles. It seemed like he was trying to familiarize himself with touching another guy again, and Jack was happy to let him do just that. He rested his own hand on the small of Mac’s back, right above the waistband of his sweatpants, and when he broke away to breathe he mouthed at Mac’s jaw briefly, keeping his teeth out of it, not wanting to push too far.

Mac exhaled shakily, but didn’t push Jack away. Instead he tilted his head back, sighing when Jack kissed the side of his neck and then his throat. He moved his hand from Jack’s abs to his back to explore, fingers skimming over all of Jack’s scars while he hooked his leg over Jack’s hip to pull him closer.

Jack was conscious of the fact that Mac was _letting_ him get so close, allowing him to explore him in a way that he hadn’t let anybody except Nikki and maybe Nasha since he had been attacked. Tentatively he pushed his fingers under the hem of Mac’s t-shirt, resting them on his back – he touched him like this in the bathroom, but those were different circumstances. Meanwhile Jack’s mouth found Mac’s birthmark near the hinge of his jaw and he sucked at it lightly.

Mac moaned softly, his fingers digging into Jack’s back. He shivered a little when Jack started rubbing the skin on his lower back with his thumb and he moaned again when Jack lightly grazed the delicate skin of his throat with his teeth. After a moment he slid his hand up to grip Jack’s shoulder… and using that grip and the leg over Jack’s hip, he rolled on his back, pulling Jack on top of him. Jack immediately pulled back and pushed himself up on his forearms, not wanting to crowd Mac, and when he looked down Mac was staring up at him with wide eyes that were just a touch darker than before.

“You okay?” Jack murmured, and brought up a hand to comb Mac’s hair back from his face, then touched his cheek. When Mac nodded, Jack leaned back down to kiss him on the mouth again, but kept his weight braced on one arm so he didn’t crush Mac into the bed. He felt Mac shift a little, spreading his legs apart, and while it made things more comfortable for Jack, he was careful to angle his hips so they weren’t pressing them together to tightly.

Mac slid both of his hands under Jack’s shirt, stroking his back up and down while parting his lips and inviting Jack to deepen the kiss. He did, and Mac groaned a little when Jack’s tongue slowly explored his mouth, his hand resting on Mac’s hip, over his clothes. It felt amazing and Jack was getting lost in the kiss and in the soft sound Mac made, shivering when Mac scratched his back with his fingernails when Jack nipped on his bottom lip. After a moment one of Mac’s hands slid lower, fingers digging into Jack’s lower back, right above the waistband of his sweatpants.

Jack had to actively resist the urge to thrust forward a little when he felt Mac’s hands so low on his body, and he could feel himself starting to get hard despite his best efforts not to. He broke away from Mac’s mouth, but only to kiss at his jaw again, nipping at the bone briefly before moving lower. His lips ghosted across the skin of Mac’s throat before he followed up that light touch with a scrape of teeth, and let the hand he had on Mac’s hip wander upward slightly, calloused fingers pushing up under Mac’s shirt and brushing the skin on his side.

“Oh, Jack,” Mac breathed out when Jack moved his lips to his neck and sucked a bruise into his skin. It didn’t sound like he was asking Jack to stop, he kept his mouth on his neck, gently stroking Mac’s side with his hand, still careful not to press his dick against Mac in any way. Mac moaned softly again and then he slid his hands up to wrap his arms around Jack’s shoulders. Holding him tightly, he threw his leg over Jack’s hips and then he suddenly tugged him down, pressing their bodies together, and Jack couldn’t help but groan into Mac’s neck when his dick pressed against Mac’s hip.

Mac stilled for a moment, but didn’t push Jack away, and now that they were so close Jack could feel that Mac was just as aroused as he was. Still, Jack needed to make sure that he was alright, because he knew better than to presume that. He flattened his hand over Mac’s belly, felt it when he sucked in a sharp breath at the friction between their bodies, and pulled back enough to look him in the eye. “You still doin’ okay, darlin’?”

Mac swallowed hard and slowly nodded. “Y-yeah,” he said, his voice shaking slightly, and Jack brought his hand up to brush the hair out of his eyes.

“You sure, baby?” he asked softly, fingers gently raking through Mac’s hair. His eyes were wide and dark with arousal, but that didn’t have to mean anything, and Jack needed to make sure Mac knew that. “We can stop anytime, if you want? Nothin’ has to happen here, darlin’.”

Mac made a frustrated sound. “But I _want_ something to happen,” he said, and that shot a bolt of lust down his mind, and he leaned down to kiss the corner of Mac’s mouth.

“I think I know something you might like that’d keep you in control,” he said softly, nuzzling Mac’s cheek. “Do you trust me?”

“Of course I do,” Mac murmured, one hand coming up to cup the back of Jack’s neck, squeezing briefly.

Jack smiled and slid his hand down to tug at the hem of Mac’s shirt. “Then this needs to go, sweetheart.”

“Okay,” Mac said quietly, giving Jack a small smile before letting his hands drop from Jack’s body. Sitting up a little, Jack helped him out of the t-shirt, pulling it over his head and tossing it on the floor before letting his gaze wander a little.

Mac was stunning, miles of beautiful skin and lean muscles, and Jack couldn’t look away. “You’re so gorgeous, baby,” he murmured, smiling when Mac blushed and leaning down to kiss his scar from the bullet at Lake Como.

“You’re crazy,” Mac muttered, gasping when Jack grazed the scar with his teeth. “I’m also kinda feeling lonely here,” he added, tugging on the hem of Jack’s shirt.

Jack glanced up at Mac and grinned wolfishly, sitting back far enough to take off his own shirt. Then he put him mouth back on Mac’s skin, licking over the Lake Como scar before moving on to one of Mac’s nipples, biting it lightly before soothing the sting with his tongue. He was deliberately going slow, keeping things calm, and Mac could stop him whenever he would like to… _if_ he would like to. Mac moaned a little underneath him, a soft, pleasured sound that Jack wanted to hear again immediately, so he moved to the other nipple, shuddering when Mac’s fingernails scratch through the short hair on the back of his head.

“Jack,” Mac moaned when Jack sucked on his nipple, and god, Jack was sure his name had never sounded this good, and he kind of wanted to hear Mac moan it again and again. He moved a little lower to mouth at Mac’s ribcage, sucking a few small bruises into his skin, loving how Mac writhed underneath him, his breathing getting heavier. “S-so what… what did you have in mind?” Mac panted, moaning softly when Jack’s teeth scraped over his skin.

“Well, that depends on what you’re up for,” Jack drawled, the Texas coming out in his voice without his consent. It happened whenever he got hot and bothered, and he really couldn’t control it. He moved lower still, nipping lightly at Mac’s hipbone and smiling when it made Mac’s hips jump a little. “I was thinkin’ maybe I could suck you off, or if you’re feelin’ more adventurous, I’d let you fuck me.” He deliberately didn’t list him fucking Mac as an option, because he was pretty sure that wasn’t on the table and he didn’t want it to seem like was trying to pressure Mac into anything.

Mac’s breath hitched and he stilled under Jack’s mouth, but his hands tightened where he was gripping Jack’s shoulders. “You’d… you’d let me… you’d want that?” he breathed out, and Jack knew exactly what part Mac was asking about.

“Yeah, baby, of course,” he murmured against his skin, pressing a gentle kiss to his hipbone.

“I’m… I…” Mac started, and Jack waited patiently until he found the words to use. “I’m… I’ve never done that,” he finally said, so quietly Mac almost missed it. “With a guy, I mean.”

Jack digested that for a moment, his chin resting on Mac’s hip, stubble scratching his skin. “Was that because you liked it that way? Or because that’s what the other guy wanted?”

“I… I’m not sure?” Mac admitted, his fingers tracing the same pattern from earlier – the love pattern – into Jack’s shoulders. “Whenever I… got fucked, I never… it never felt that good, you know? Like I got the sense that it _could_ be good, but it almost seemed like something to be… endured.”

Jack’s heart dropped in horror and he cursed all the guys Mac had slept with that had made him feel that way. “God, baby, no,” he said, pushing himself up Mac’s body to kiss his cheek. “It can be good, it should _always_ be good. It never should feel like something you need to… push through and endure.” He brushed his fingers through Mac’s hair again and looked down at him softly, hating the troubled look in his eyes.

“I just… I just figured I wasn’t very good at it,” Mac whispered, and Jack’s hand actually trembled as he once again felt like hunting someone down.

He licked his lips and forced his hand to go steady so he could brush his fingers across Mac’s cheek. “It’s got nothing to do with being good at it… the guy you’re with should make sure it’s good _for_ you, just like you do when you’re with a woman,” he said, and he didn’t fight it when Mac pulled him down to give him a kiss.

“What if… what if I wanted to…” Mac trailed off, his voice shaking just a little until he visibly pulled himself together. “What if I wanted to… to try it again? With you? Is that… something you’d want to?”

Jack did his best trying not to cry, because he had had no idea how much shit Mac had been through, and yet here he was, letting Jack close and trusting him so openly. “Baby, of course,” he said softly, sliding his hand to Mac’s neck and rubbing his jaw with his thumb. “Whenever you feel ready, we can absolutely try it, if that’s what you want.”

“What if…” Mac swallowed hard, biting his lower lip and sliding his hands to grip Jack’s shoulders again. He briefly turned his gaze away before looking back at Jack, his blue eyes shining with uncertainty. “What if I wanted to try it… now?”

Jack exhaled harshly when he heard that, dropping his forehead to press against Mac’s shoulder and nodding. “Yeah, yeah, we can do that,” he said, willing his voice steady, thumb still skimming over Mac’s jaw. He lifted his head enough to make eye contact and added, “But I have one condition. If I do something you don’t like, or if you don’t want to keep going for any reason, all you need to do is say so, okay? I won’t be upset, and I’ll stop right away.”

“Okay,” Mac whispered, but there was something in his voice that made Jack’s heart crack a little.

“I mean it, Mac,” he said, his thumb still caressing Mac’s skin. “It doesn’t matter when, if you want to stop, we will stop. I won’t get angry and it will be nothing to be embarrassed about, okay?”

“Okay, Jack,” Mac said quietly, but his voice sounded stronger somehow, so Jack leaned down to brush his lips against Mac’s cheek.

“Okay,” he repeated, and then he moved to kiss Mac on the mouth.

Mac made a soft sound in the back of his throat and gripped Jack tightly, so he stayed there for a while, kissing Mac like it was the only thing he ever wanted to do (which it kind of was). He made an educated guess and reached out with his other hand, opening Mac’s nightstand drawer and feeling around until he came up with a bottle of lube and some condoms. He tossed them on the mattress, not concerned with using them right away, and when he broke away from Mac’s lips it was to kiss a hot trail down to his chest and abdomen until he reached the waistband of his pants. He hooked his fingertips under the elastic and pressed a kiss to Mac’s skin before looking up at him for permission. When Mac nodded, Jack slid the pants down, making a little noise when he saw Mac’s cock, hard and leaking.

His mouth watered and he couldn’t resist the temptation, so he gave Mac’s cock a long lick before taking the head into his mouth. Mac moaned loudly, arching off the mattress, his hands twisting in the bedsheets on either side of his hips when Jack sucked on the head and too him in deeper. “Jack, oh god,” he groaned when Jack swirled his tongue a little, and Jack smoothed his hands over Mac’s thighs before reaching for the lube.

He didn’t want to surprise him, so he made a big show of opening the lube and getting some onto his fingers. When Mac didn’t protest, only whimpered when Jack sank even lower on his cock, he slid his hand down, between Mac’s ass cheeks. He circled his index finger around Mac’s entrance until he relaxed enough that Jack could push it inside with little resistance.

Mac gasped loudly and tensed a little, but after a moment he relaxed again, moaning when Jack swallowed around his cock. He slowly started moving his finger a few seconds later, in and out, gently stretching Mac open, and he kept his eyes on him, watching out for any sign of distress. He didn’t see any, so he bobbed his head a few times and added a second finger, causing Mac to arch off the mattress and whimper.

Not wanting to overwhelm Mac too much, he released his cock with an obscene sound. He crawled back up Mac’s body and attached his lips to Mac’s neck as he scissored his fingers before pushing them deeper, searching and prodding… until his fingers brushed against Mac’s prostate and he cried out, his hands gripping Jack’s shoulders so tightly they would probably bruise.

“Oh, oh, _Jack_ ,” Mac moaned, his hips twitching and seeking out more pleasure from Jack’s fingers. He was making these little sounds, gasping whines that went straight to Jack’s dick. He was rock hard in his sweatpants, but he didn’t care, zeroed in on biting and sucking at Mac’s throat as he slid a third finger in alongside the first two. He rubbed them over Mac’s prostate again before spreading them wide, making Mac writhe and scrape his nails against Jack’s skin.

“Does that feel good, baby?” he asked, licking over Mac’s throat. “You still want this?”

“Yes, y-yes, Jack,” Mac stuttered out, rolling his hips down again. “Please, I’m… please.”

“Okay, baby,” Jack murmured against Mac’s throat, stretching him for a moment longer before withdrawing his fingers and moving up to kiss Mac on the mouth and swallow the moan he let out. He was trembling a little underneath him and slid his hands down Jack’s back until he reached his sweatpants and started tugging them down.

Jack wriggled out of the pants as soon as they were down low enough, kicking them away. He let out a punched-out groan when Mac got his hands on his ass and pulled him down, grinding them together. Jack’s hands flailed out to grab the lube again, along with the condoms, and he was a little surprised when he felt Mac’s hand on his wrist. “You… we don’t need that, I’m clean,” he whispered.

“So am I, but… you sure, baby?” The last thing Jack wanted was to remind Mac of the asshole who hadn’t left him a choice at all, but Mac just nodded, his wide eyes so full of trust that it took Jack’s breath away. He swallowed down hard and blinked a few times, not wanting to get too emotional, and he kissed Mac’s cheek as he reached for the lube again, coating his cock with it.

He settled back between Mac’s legs and lined himself up, the head of his cock pressing against Mac’s entrance. He looked at Mac, but before he could ask if he wanted him to keep going, Mac nodded again, so Jack kissed him again and started to slowly push inside him.

He was tight and blood-hot around Jack’s cock, and it felt so good he was afraid he might black out. Underneath him, Mac was a gasping, panting mess, squeezing Jack’s hips and back. He wanted nothing more than to thrust forward and chase his own pleasure, except for making sure Mac was enjoying himself and wasn’t freaked out.

Soon he was completely inside, and pressed his face into Mac’s neck, wrapping both arms around him to hold him close. “You feel so good, darlin’,” he said near Mac’s ear, before leaning back to look into his eyes. “Are you okay?”

Mac’s eyes were wide and slightly glazed, his lips parted, and he was gorgeous. “Yeah, yeah, I’m… I’m good,” he said, moving his hands to pull Jack in for a kiss, wrapping both of his legs around his waist. “You can… you can move,” he whispered after a moment, his arms circling Jack’s shoulders.

Slowly, Jack pulled back and gently thrusted back in, careful not to go too fast or too hard. He set up a slow, steady pace that was driving him insane, but that didn’t matter – all that mattered was Mac.

Mac, who had a look of rapture on his face, cheeks flushed pink and hair wild against the pillow under his head. Jack slid a hand up between his back and the mattress to cup the back of his skull, fingers tangling in his hair. His other hand moved lower, pressing at the top of Mac’s ass to bring them even closer together, and he knew the exact moment he stroke Mac’s prostate on the next thrust. Mac’s eyes went wide before slamming shut and he let out a gasping cry, his hands sliding back down to Jack’s ass and pushing on it like he wanted to keep grinding him into that spot.

Jack was more than happy to oblige and on the next thrust he made sure to hit Mac’s prostate again and didn’t pull back, grinding into Mac and putting more pressure on the spot. “Jack, Jack, oh god, _Jack_ ,” Mac babbled, his fingers digging into Jack’s ass, and Jack could only groan, burying his face in Mac’s neck.

After a moment Jack drew his hips back and thrusted in a little harder, once again setting a pace, but this time it was a little faster and harder – still not like Jack would usually fuck someone, but there was nothing usual about this time and it wasn’t just a random someone he was with.

“This is so good, baby, you’re incredible,” Jack said, and oh no, his brain-to-mouth filter was failing him. That happened during sex too, and he tried to rein it in, but his hips kept moving and Mac kept squeezing around him, and he could feel his orgasm starting to build at the base of his spine. He wanted – no, needed – to make Mac come first, so he drove his hips forward a little more roughly and slipped his hand out of Mac’s hair to wrap it around his cock. “Come on, darlin’, come for me. You’re so good, Mac, so fucking good for me.”

Mac moaned brokenly and Jack made sure to match the rhythm of his strokes with the rhythm of his hips pushing into Mac again and again. It only took a moment, a few of those harder thrusts for Mac to shout Jack’s name and start coming, come shooting between them as he clenched tightly around Jack’s cock. Jack fucked him through it and then let go of Mac’s cock, wrapping his arms tightly around Mac and thrusting into him a little faster, a little harder, chasing his release until he groaned into Mac’s neck and came, hips twitching as he filled Mac up with his come.

Jack finally let his weight drop on top of Mac – he didn’t have a choice, his muscles were jelly and so was his brain – and panted against his skin. For a second he wondered if this might have been too much, but then he felt Mac’s arms hugging him close, his hand stroking up and down Jack’s spine.

As soon as Jack could make two brain cells rub together, he picked up his head and kissed Mac’s jaw, then his cheek, then his lips. “Are you okay?” he asked softly.

“Yeah, I’m… Jack, that was amazing,” Mac whispered, his voice full of wonder. It was probably impossible, but it seemed like his eyes were even more blue than usually, and he was looking at Jack with so much affection that Jack felt like crying. “I… I didn’t know it could feel like this. So good and so wonderful and so… painless.”

Jack kissed him again, nuzzling his cheek. “It’s not supposed to hurt, darlin’,” he whispered, a hand stroking up and down Mac’s side. “And I’m glad you enjoyed yourself.” He shifted enough that he could pull out, and then settled more firmly into Mac’s embrace. “Plus it’s nice to know that I’ve still got it.”

Mac chuckled quietly and Jack couldn’t help but smile, because Mac sounded… happy, which was a nice change after all the serious and painful conversations they had. “You definitely do,” he said, and kissed the top of Jack’s head, nuzzling his hair. Jack couldn’t help but wonder what kind of guys Mac had slept with that they had made him think bottoming should hurt, but then he decided not to think about it when he felt anger spread through his body. “Jack? I’m… thank you.”

Jack tilted his head up enough to kiss Mac’s jaw. “You don’t need to thank me,” he murmured, his voice a little more than a rumble coming from somewhere in his chest. He was sated and happy, and he loved the way Mac’s long fingers kept stroking over his shoulders, his back, his ass. “And what exactly are you thanking me for, anyway? Because as near as I can tell, baby, that was some mutual appreciation.”

“For… for everything. For being you, I guess,” Mac said quietly, his fingers moving slowly, and when Jack glanced up, Mac was looking at the ceiling. “For being so amazing, and I don’t mean just during sex, although that obviously too.” The corners of his lips twitched up in a smile. “When I realized you heard everything on comms I… I thought you’d never speak to me again.”

Jack sighed, holding Mac just a little tighter. “Mac, even if I wasn’t crazy about you, even if we were just friends… there’s no way I’d ever want to stop talking to you, especially over something that wasn’t your fault. What happened to you was… horrific, but you haven’t let it define you, baby, and I think that’s amazing. _You’re_ amazing.”

Mac looked down at him and there was this… amazement in his eyes, as if he couldn’t believe what Jack was saying. He slid his hand up his back until he could brush his fingers over the short hair on the back of his neck. “I love you,” he said softly, something vulnerable flashing in his eyes, and Jack was aware Mac wouldn’t have let it show around anyone else. “I can’t even tell you how much.”

Jack dropped a kiss on Mac’s collarbone and smiled, not able to fathom how he had gotten so lucky. He watched the sun come up through the part in the curtains and stroked his fingers over the soft skin of Mac’s hip. He traced a simpler shape than Mac had – just a heart – but he knew it had just as much meaning. “I think I know how much, and I love you even more.”

“Impossible,” Mac murmured, smiling down at Jack, and Jack tilted his head up at the same time Mac leaned down, pressing their lips together in a sweet kiss. “I mean, we can argue if you want, but we both know I’m always right,” Mac added, smirking against his lips.

“Oh, you know I’m always down for an argument,” Jack taunted, and then used his grip on Mac to roll them so he was flat on his back with Mac on top of him. He grinned and pulled Mac in for another kiss. “But I think in this case I’m happy to let you win.”

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave a comment if you enjoyed it! ♥


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